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27 Aug 2019

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27 Aug 2019 This was the day that I've cried so much and regretting to leave you on 26 Aug night.  I knew and I sense that you're not going to make it but I'm just so stupid to leave you. On 26 Aug we transferred you to a better hospital and I knew you're leaving soon but I'm just hoping that I'm over thinking. Because I wants you to live longer and healthier. I can sense everything about you ah gong. When I went over to see you on Sunday night 25 Aug 2019 you said just let you die la, ah gong I knew that you're in pain but you know when you say all this things my heart is so pain. In my heart I'm thinking why you say all this things? Why you keep looking the top? I knew that you're communicating with them. Ah gong sorry for everything. Ah gong i really miss you so much. I'm lucky that I'm manage to see you last moment before sending you off from the hospital.   Everyone cried and heartbroken. We are all afraid on...
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06-07-2023

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Sitting somewhere typing this while waiting for someone. A sentence always pop up on my mind nowadays "是不是越乖越不会有人爱和疼吗?" I have made myself change so much because of those past hurtful relationships till I couldn't even recognise myself anymore. Many things I will be numb to and just keep it to myself even though I know I'm not in fault. You can put every blame to me I'm ok with it because what is the point of arguing when you so confirm that is my fault and not yours? Always telling myself "Do not talk back even though I know I'm not in any wrong". Because if I talked back, you would say "我没大没小".  Keeping to myself is the best place that I can hide at.  To my family, no matter how hard I tried and do will never be enough for you guys. Been losing the feelings to go out with you guys even just by staying home during my off day or after work from morning shift. Many shits will happen. Especially when you keep talk about money keep asking me f...
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02-07-2023

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First ever time drinking session with someone whom I can really trust so much. Saying all my deep inside hurts, thoughts and everything out to you. You are really the only one I trust so much and so easily. Feeling so good till I cried infront of you. Not because of being drunk from drinking.  Always telling myself and giving myself a rules not to cry after a minute. First drinking session glad that I'm not that drunk as I still know where I'm going to where  walking to. Can't be drunk when going home have to force myself to make myself stay awake if not get blame and scold by them. Every little thing I did to them is always wrong.  But to you it's just so different. Maybe because our past is really almost the same. That's why you can relate how I feel. 
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08-06-2023

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Hasn't been myself lately. No idea why but yeaa. Morning shift on 07-06-2023 ended work no feel to check my phone at all. Off day 08-06-2023 same.  No feels to check my phone.  Went out with An. Walked around IMM & Westgate. While eating Lady M with An. Sudden receive message from Mum.  Photos of food that they ate without me. Why? Trying to show off?  I don't need to know what you guys ate. Because you guys always eat good food without me being around with you guys. I really don't know whats wrong with me. Really. Really. Really. What the fuck is wrong with me?
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24-05-2023

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  27 July 2021 Ah Ma, you left us to join ah gong and uncle. I miss all of you so much. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there when you needed us due to the restrictions for covid. Whenever we go back we are always looking forward to give all of you surprise because you will sit outside everyday same spot Now if we go back, something is really missing.  missing ah ma ah gong and uncle. house become so quiet. My current house area nearby have this sitting corner whereby those old uncle and aunties will be sitting there everyday whenever i pass by i see the same uncle and aunty sitting there that reminds me of you ah gong and ah ma How are all of you now? Sometimes i really wish to just go ahead leave everything behind and join you guys. all the thoughts, stress really no joke
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